2016 Pre-Season Rankings courtesy of Z’Smashmouths!

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1. Big Lunch- Perennial contender and playoff staple, Lunch brings back a good part of the band with the leagues top receiver and a potential best value keeper in Freeman. Paired with Thomas and Lacy, weekly Sunday brunch stats will be warm up appetizers for Almuerzo Grande. Nom!

2. Blues- It’s hard not to put the high life boys in the top spot after last year’s coup, taking home both prizes for only the 2nd time in league history. They also return a core group from the season before, keeping Julio and securing PPR darling Woodhead as a solid RB2 behind Dougie fresh. Conjoined by solid QB play and a weekly top 5 defense, the Bro’s only downside is the role of their bench players.

3. Natty- Realistically, the top 3 teams are a virtual tie for #1. The only thing not putting Congo at #1 is their lack of a championship, as the only remaining original team in the league to not do so yet. That said, it’s quite possible the Congo Kamikaze’s can go undefeated this year with the team they have on paper. A top 3 QB, probably the league’s best receiving core next to NRM or Z’Smash, and and dangerous ground game led by AP and another PPR monster in Duke Johnson, General McCarthy has crafted his most formidable army yet. Could THIS finally be their year?

4. NRM- Modestly, the metal men could quietly have had the best draft. Potentially the leagues best QB, top keeper value via Gurley in the 5th, and maybe the leagues best WR trio(?).. Mad dogs countrywide were delighted to walk away with the best bench with by far more impact starters and TE options. Mark em down for a top 5 finish.

5. Mokes- Staying the course, when you think of Mikis team & Aaron Rodgers as keeper selection in round 1, it reminds you to say “who cares?” to the notion of waiting on signal callers. Or not. But as a whole, Mokes hold a sneaky running game that could be top point scorers week in week out, and depth at WR half of the league will envy. With an easy early schedule it’s hard seeing this team slipping out of playoff contention at any point of the season.

6. Z’Smash- The only thing keeping this team from a top 4 selection is questions at TE. With a top receiver core, and potentially the leagues best running game led by a gem of a keeper in the 5th in DJ and more depth than any team at the position (Derek Henry as an RB4?), the boys from Varmitville stayed true to their identity by owning the ground game. They’ll need the help with an unfavorable matchup scheduled wk1 against NRM. Allen Robinson may be the difference maker in the outcome of that game.

7. Kali- A new proud dad, and another who likes to keep the band together, the former Shaka’s returned Nuk and Superman the bring back what they envision as a title contender. At face value they may have the most dangerous PPR duo in Shady and Gio, but pundits alike see regression at the WR 3 position with little depth behind their starter and health concerns at TE with Gronk already not playing in the opener. Savy, the Herbalist will plug and play to be a weekly nuisance but we don’t see them returning to the dance come week 14.

8.Collarbones- Could this be their best team drafted ever? A havoc reaping WR crew led by their keeper and #mancrush bromance Dez, an RB combo running behind top 5 oline and a top 5 QB when healthy (asterisk).. El Paso has depth and favorable scheduling that can move them into playoff contention come the end of wk 13.

9. CangNiner- BroCangs squad can be deceivingly tough weekly competition. Their preseason rank more reflects their bottom half finish the last few years after winning the league 4 years ago. Not great keeper value by taking Murray again with the round 1 price tag, and questions at the RB position behind him, Joe held the fort by shoring up some decent PPR receivers in Cooks and Decker. Elephant in the living room is the bench, where behind Garçon, there’s not a player even Bruce Miller would punch in the face with excitement. This team could either finish 6th or 11th for all we know.

10. Squirrels- Pat, the league wants you to contend, we really do. But taking Rawls as a keeper was the original sin, for he may not suit up for the 1st few weeks. Your bench is impressive to back up a dangerous core of CJ Anderson and AJ Green, but large question marks at RB2  TE and flex leave much to be desired and proven by this team that can be big or be bust, with weekly consistency not likely to be consistent. Chipmunk to secret squirrel: your team needs Metamucil.

11. SBJ- Sith Lords must have hijacked the draft party’s host computer.. while everyone was constricting competitive teams, Cjax pointedly zigged in the wrong direction as most others zagged. If waiting until the 4th round to grab a WR might not be the best approach in a PPR league, it definitely won’t get you a playoff ranking.  Particularly when you take a clean slate. The statistics of rookies who bust is in the high 70 percentile, and while Zeke behind that offensive line is sexy, spending a 1 st round pick on him is hideous. The only upside this team shows is garbage time point racking by Russel Wilson 4th quarter antics, and Mark Ingram running the ball 20 something times a game after Brees goes off and the Saints are up huge. League pundits are taking the under on 5 total wins for the Baby’s.

12. Machines- Shannon may have been a little preoccupied by salivating over Zacs meat during the draft, she even said so. Keeping a player in Bell who will miss 3 games already put her at disadvantage, but following up by Maclin as the WR1 and “one more  concussion away from being out of football” in Jordan Reed as a round 5 pick she really did herself no favors. Coupled by a bench that highlights more depth at TE than the more important WR/RB spots, it’s tough to envision this team overcoming a devastating injury, let alone winning more than 4 games. Plus, Kirk Cousins Shannon. Really?

Seattle Seahawks At Carolina Panthers  – 9,000,000 ISK — Payout 1.67 — Panthers

Seattle Seahawks At Carolina Panthers -3.5 (Tri-Bet -3.5) – 5,000,000 ISK — Payout 1.87 — Panthers

Green Bay Packers At Arizona Cardinals American Football –20,000,000 — Payout 1.23 — Cardinals

Green Bay Packers At Arizona Cardinals  (-7.5) & Over 50.5 points (Line / Total Points Double) — 3,000,000 ISK  — Payout 3.28  — Cardinals -7.5 and 50.5+

Kansas City Chiefs At New England Patriots — 2,050,192 ISK — Payout 2.67 — Chiefs

I highly doubt any of you football nerds appreciate the finer points of serious-as-fuck internet spaceships, or betting with video game currencies, and I do apologize for wasting your time with gaming trivialities but I cannot help but share:

Our friend Nicholas refused to bet on AMERICA’S TEAM vs the Jets this evening unless I gave him 4 points which I did, and I promptly lost 50m isk ($0.77) as a result. He talked a lot, I said it sounded like he wanted to fight about it and he agreed.

Here is the result: he died like a man and we’re gonna fight again in 2 weeks. 

I’m curious: Would any of you care to bet on our next duel? The Shaniqua Oakland Fund will entertain bets in both serious-as fuck-internet-spaceships-currency and $ – Points given.

Hah hah.

Alright, ladies and gentlefolks.  Your stone-cold locks are in.  When you see this gambling lineup, you’ll know the opposite is more than 80% likely to possibly happen.  On more than one occassion.

Me > Texted my folks I wanted to buy a kayak.
Me > My mom said, “Oh shit, partner.  You’re gonna drown.”
Me > Told her, “No stress, momma.  I’m gonna wear arm floaties
like a little kid.”
Me > Said I needed a vest and goggles.
Me > The fuck man you know how awesome I would look.  Mom
comes through with a big tip.
EVE Bro > well yeah you need a vest
EVE Bro > what you need goggles for

Alright, so this is a rehash because my dumb ass wiped my original post from my hard drive in a drunken drive to keep my Windows 7 desktop cleaned and purged of fucking space invaders.  Only the obsessive compulsive would understand …

:: pre-note, my lawyer recommended I post none of this ::

Fewer things you’ll ever regret more than taking a day off work when your flight doesn’t leave for Vegas until after your shift: murder in the wrong degrees of separation, getting caught prostituting yourself by your dad, getting pinched with felony level amounts of drugs if it’s weed.

My alleged crime is DUI.  And I stand accused.

I rear-ended an Asian driver which immediately made me cast an eye of blame in their direction.  I was about to change lanes, and while checking my blind side, I lost track of how far away a truck / car / whatever was in front of me.

Digging deep probably won’t find me a fix-it ticket accusing them of not having proper tail-lights.  Eventually I’ll strike water or oil.  Or China.  OH THE IRONY OF MY HUBRIS.

CHP was in on the fix and I went in.  Blood tests were done by some technician who clearly did not want to be there and was even more dismayed when Officer GotNico let her know that another one was incoming.

This was probably one of the worst days to be in the drunk tank in Santana Clara County because the Seahawks had just *embarrassed* the Niners in the great state of California.

I told them all I wish I would have known because I would have worn a Cowboys jersey.  Oh hahah oh!  Laughs all around.  And then a guy serious asked me, “Would you have?” and squinted at me.

I saw a white boy get some huge Indian guy riled up by poking and poking and poking.  I want to believe that people aren’t so easily aggravated while drunk but maybe I forgot what it was like to be young and intoxicated.]

The good boys, and me,  were put in a pen on the cellar level and gave us an ample opportunity to nap on the cold wooden bench.  I had a non-MLK dream about throwing wet napkins against the wall for the rest of my life.

Homeless people … god help them.  I craved my carpeted-floor and newspapers.

As Obi-Wan once asked, “Who’s the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?“