Since you’re all pretty decent at this, and most of you have at some point won a fantasy football championship sometime, it’s likely that you don’t really need my expert fantasy football analysis.
Actually, most of you do probably still need it, but you don’t think you do, so I just kept the bulk of my analysis and tips for those teams that are still looking for their first title. (More on that below)
The rest of you get a ranking and some harmless shit talked in your general direction to get our competitive fires burning.
For the teams that haven’t won titles, I know you probably feel like you could use a little help and insight from a multiple time champion and retired fantasy sports writer. Yes, I’m really busy, but I made the time because in the end I’d like to see every team succeed eventually.
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Here are the quintessential commissioners power rankings. If you disagree, you’re wrong.
1. Blind Squirrels
Whenever I hear people talking about Marcus Mariota, they always compare him to Alex Smith, but what I don’t hear very often is people talking about how they want to target both of them. I’m sure with Todd Gurley it doesn’t matter who you start at QB, but the rest of us still have to at least pay attention to it a little. That said, you drafted the right players.
2. Jake & Elwood Blues
You and Zach really love to draft WR4 running backs. Do you realize that Cohen, White, and Bernard combined didn’t have as many carries last year as Lamar Miller? Is finding the next Darren Sproles to flex out on your bye weeks really worth 3 bench spots? Apparently so. The starting lineup is balanced and legit tho.
3. Big Lunch
You’re probably going to win when Jimmy G puts up the highest single season touchdown total of any quarterback in NFL history so even though you didn’t have to draft a solid team with excellent RB depth you did.
4. Kali Kine
I don’t know if Ross and Eckler need to be owned in a 12 team league, but there isn’t really that much I can hate on with your team. I wouldn’t want it of course, but still it looks like your brain is starting to come out of the Command Center fog that left you out of the playoffs 3 of the last 4 years. This is a solid team that’s maybe lacking a little in explosiveness
5. Miki’s Mokes
This team would look a lot better if instead of Aaron Rodgers it had ABSOLUTELY ANY OTHER AVAILABLE PLAYER taken in the second round. Otherwise a lot to like here, and nothing much to hate about the draft. I think maybe one too many Rams WR’s. Which means you have two. Two is too many, because you never need more than one. One, is the ideal number of WR’s to take from the same team.
6. NINERS R METAL
See this is how you do it. Massive upside at RB, and then a ton of mixed and matched WR’s balancing safe low upside startable talent and big upside breakout candidates. Really an expert quality draft we’ll look back on and realize was far better than this modest ranking.
7. Congo Natty – Comprehensive Analysis
Overall – Now I know hearing that your team is “amazing” would be a big confidence boost. Unfortunately, while confidence is important, even more important is learning to accurately assess your team. The truth is that your team is just “ok”. It has some big strengths but they are balanced out by some pretty big weaknesses. You’ve clearly learned that safe producers are important, but the key is mixing those safe producers with players that are poised for the career bests. Outside of Alvin Kamara I don’t see anyone else like that, do you?
The Good – What’s not to love about Kamara, Gordon and Freeman? Ok, so I don’t really love Gordon and Freeman, but ADP says it’s an amazing group and who am I to argue with ADP? You believe in them and that belief is somewhat justified. Godwin, Amendola and Powell were also nice bench picks where you took them.
The Bad – Someone had to take Doug Baldwin, so I can’t hold that against you, but no one had to take Kelvin Benjamin. The WR group in general is just not a strong mix of names. In the future, if you want to take Fitzgerald, then maybe don’t take Baldwin too and then go Allen Hurns. Josh Doctson? When has Alex Smith ever made a second WR good?
My advice – Remember who you are. Stop hiding with these weird typefaces and cryptic messages. There are many struggling franchises looking for their first trip to the mountain top, but they step out and proudly put on their Browns helmet anyway. You are congo.natty. Reclaim your identity, swap half your team by week 4, and then I’m confident you’ll be ready to make your run at fantasy immortality.
8. Z’Smashmouths
Zach hosted an awesome draft party, so I’m guessing he was distracted. If the goal was to draft the team with the most players who formally missed entire seasons due to injury. This was definitely the best draft. Zach, I know you’re at your best with a chip on your shoulder, so starting out just 1 spot above the Roughnecks should do the trick.
9. The Roughnecks
Per my own rules I said I’d only give advice to teams that have never won a championship. Nevertheless, don’t feel like you can’t hit me up on the side and ask for a few tips, you’re one of my best and oldest friends and I’m always here for you. Unfortunately, it’s too late to ask me for better options than DeSean Jackson, Mohamed Sanu, Cole Beasley, and Frank Gore. Shame too, I mostly like your starting lineup.
10. Ronan Machine
You got the players you want, and there is something to be said for that. I’m impressed by your ability to trust your own instincts and take players you like anytime you want, regardless of what you need, or what the best values are left on the draft board. Alfred Morris ahead of Alex Collins, LeSean McCoy, Carlos Hyde, and Derek Henry… of course!! Njoku in round 6? Why not! You go girl.
11. Sweet Baby Jesus
Overall – Chris, you’re coming off a stellar third place finish last year. Stellar for you that is, not for me, that’s why you need this extra attention.
The Good – You really did do a nice job of filling out your top 3 WRs this year, and by that I mean, you didn’t screw it up (ok, they are kinda scary). Still, I can’t be too impressed when you used your first three picks. I also have to applaud the thought process that went behind reaching for Kyle Rudolph. That’s the sort of confident decision making I’d like to see more of.
The Bad – After being left with LeSean McCoy as a RB1, did you really back him up with Nick Chubb, Ronald Jones, Marlon Mack and Aaron Jones? Chris, this just isn’t good enough. It’s not even close, and if there is some tiny part of you that is thinking “maybe Mark is wrong”, I urge you to tweet that list of RBs to anyone of your choosing. Maybe, if I’m feeling really generous, I’ll let you trade me Tyreek Hill for Joe Mixon. We’ll see.
My Advice – Start looking for RB’s homie. That shit’s a mess.
12. New Joe
Overall – As a new team, you’re obviously last. You have no track record, and most importantly, no championships. Now, you may be tempted to say “Just stop! I’ll be fine, I don’t need your help.” And I know that’s true, I know you know what you’re doing, and that’s why you’re here now in the greatest fantasy football league of them all. But I also know you remember the championship game in our Family League last year and understand that I can help you get to the next level. The next level is of course winning, which is what I did.
For the record, I’ll be referring to you as “New Joe”, or “Just win maybe?” That’s as close as I can get, and it’s a lot closer than the Raiders are going to be to Oakland next year. BA DUM BUM! (that was a drum sound) Also, your draft was ok I guess. Truth be told it was better than at least one other person, who will remain nameless.
The Good – There are some legitimate point scorers on this team and I think you’ll have some big weeks. You have blown away the league at the TE position.
The Bad – You have blown away the league at the TE position. I like where your heart is with those picks, but will you be comfortable running Dion Lewis and Raashad Penny out there as your RB1/RB2 if Barkley tears his ACL in week 1? Just something to think about.
My advice – See if you can beat Chris to the waiver wire for some usable running backs.
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