2016 Week 3 Power Rankings

Between injuries and quality general managers, there is nothing close to a perfect team this year.  Impact players are pretty well distributed across the league, and this is the tightest points race ever, with more than half the league still within 50 points of first place.  Bye weeks are here, and this is when the teams should start to separate a bit.

1.  UP 3 – Z’Smashmouth’s – Current points leader and probably the best structured team going into week 4.    Love David Johnson, love Allen Robinson, and Jarvis Landry, but someone else is going to need to step up for this team to stay at the top.  3.4 yards per carry at home against a terrible Miami team isn’t going to cut it Jeremy Hill.

2.  No Change – Cangniner – First overall, second in points, and the only team left with a chance at our leagues first undefeated season.  Still, with questionable depth, and a sometimes absentee general manager (forgot to start a TE), it’s hard to see this early roll continuing.  This week feels like Cangniner’s first loss via NRM.  Of course, I might be biased.

3.  UP 5 – Niners R Metal – Within 15 points of Z’Smashmouths, and with the highest totals in 2 of the first three weeks, NRM is proving quite resilient despite losing 5 of their first 9 picks in the first 3 weeks.   (Moncrief, Watkins, Ertz, Abdullah,  and Gordon).  Running back depth abounds, but they can’t afford another injury at WR.

4.  DOWN 3 – Miki’s Mokes – Haven’t had a bad week yet, but with Langford done for 6 weeks, and Rodgers/Cobb on bye, this might be theirpeeyal first one.  The Moke’s are going to need a bounce back game from Benjamin and Sharpe to be competitive.   RB depth is starting to become a problem.

5.  DOWN 2 – Ronan Machines – RB depth is going to be a challenge through the bye weeks, but the Machines still have a useful bench and one of the nicest looking groups of healthy ascending starters.   If Le’Veon Bell can come back and be the top 3 impact fantasy player he’s capable of, then expect Ronan Machines to finish in the top 3.

6.  UP 3 – Blind Squirrels – Like the Patriots themselves, BS managed to weather some early season challenges and come away with a 2-1 record.  Two receivers that look like they will finish top 5  (Green/Jones) should keep the Squirrels in it all year.   With Charles and Brady coming back to fill holes, the upside for this team looks very high.

7.  No Change – Sweet Baby Jesus – Some good consistent pieces, but as a team they feel a bit like an “RB2”.  Not much burst, decent vision, can grind out some tough yardage and have some “ok” weeks, but not really a home run hitter.   Someone like Devante Parker needs to step it up and become a breakout star for this team to contend.

8.  UP 3-  congo.natty – 5th in points, this might be the best 0-3 team in league history.  Running back depth is a concern, but Blount and Howard are a very nice bandaid with season long upside.   Marshall and Cooper should be difference makers by year end, but congo.natty can’t afford to wait much longer.  A week 4 matchup with Jake and Elwood Blues is essentially an early must win for both teams.

9.   DOWN 5 – Jake & ElWood Blues – I like the WR core, and the defending champs could win on any given week, but the RB’s are brutal, and depth is definitely a concern during the bye weeks.    If they can stay around .500 going into the final 3 weeks, they should have a shot at the playoffs with a late surge.

10. DOWN 4 – El Paso Roughnecks – A little like SBJ, there is a solid foundation with this team at every position, but no real sizzle.  If Dez and Alshon are the best of themselves by mid season, the Roughnecks should climb quickly, otherwise a team with a high floor and a low ceiling seems unlikely to keep up the way points have soared the first 3 weeks.

11.  UP 1 – Big Lunch – Not really sure if this team sucks, or is a hidden gem…  The starting lineup isn’t exactly filled with players that have justified their draft position, and their situations are unlikely to change much.  Still, Lunch has the magic touch, and there might be a balanced enough mix here of boom and bust to find their way back into contention.

12.   DOWN 2 – Kali Kine – Sorry, Herb.  New fathers aren’t expected to do much in fantasy football.  Last in points and 0-3, there is really no place else to put Kali Kine.  Nevertheless, Edelman and Gronk should ascend with the return of Tom Brady, and Hopkins and Cam have some huge games ahead of them.  Kali’s usually a second half team anyway.


2016 Week 2 Power Rankings

Week 3 Power ranking “bullet” addition is here.  PEW PEW PEW

Thanks again Zach!

1. Mokes-
• Still undefeated, silent assassin
• Gordon primed to go off all year
• Receivers and TE abound
• Ample RB depth
• Rodgers only scraping the surface
• Weekly game flow options everywhere

2. Cang-
• Might be highest rank all year
• Deceivingly competitive bench
• Manning underrated, and Mariota ready
• Decent PPR WRs
• Hyde will be a weekly headache

3. Machines-
• Matthews, Maclin, Miller & Reed at law
• Enjoy 3rd while you can
• Bell returning may keep you afloat
• Might be time to consider Wentz
• Denver D set it and forget it

4. Blues- (tie)
• 1st in points
• Spooky good bench
• Tough loss last week dropped rank
• Should look for TE options
• Diggs may be best draft value in ’16

4. Smash- (tie)
• Overall best league RBs
• Potentially league best QB options
• Still waiting for WRs to score
• When they do, watch out
• No more TE questions

6. Collarbones-
• Glorious WRs
• TEs should go off week in week out
• Tough bench decisions
• Not much RB depth

7. Jesus-
• Huge win last week
• Dalton & Wilson great matchup options
• Decent RBs lacking depth
• Parker ascending?

8. Metal-
• Oh how the mighty have fallen
• That’s loss last week tho
• More ER visits last week than me in ’16
• Long road ahead with tough schedule

9. Squirrels-
• Could be a top 4 team in a month
• Nice WRs, but RBs gonna need help
• Most competitive bottom half team

10. Kali-
• El Paso’s breakfast week 2
• Most points against
• Good depth Should keep them hunting

11. Natty-
• Losing AP hurts.. worry not / RB depth
• Cooper robbed, WRs yet to go big
• Should be in playoff hunt come wk 12

12. Lunch-
• Why you here? Where yo points be? 
• Bortles, Freeman and Thomas- bruh!?

2016 Week 1 Power Rankings

Week 1 in glorious Haiku form, courtesy of Z’Smashies.    The top 6 trend a little too close to the actual ranking lines for my taste,  but I suppose there will be plenty of time to go off script once we have a larger sample size.

Nice job again Zach, thanks for taking the time.

1. Blues-
Jake & Elwood Own
Whole team sans Tight End ate big
Cubbies clinch early

2. Metal-
Most points point two o
Kick whole league ass, big time eh
No likey Watkins

3. Mokes-
Big defensive points
Rodgers doing Rodgers things
Might be number one

4. Cang-
Twenty plus from four
Running backs looking solid
Screw preseason rank

5. Machines-
Williams Matthews
Carried you last week for sure
Week two Angry Lunch

6. Squirrels-
CJ and AJ
Ninth fewest points in week one
Waiting for Brady

Letdown over with
Down goes Keenan Allen damn
Michael Thomas time

8. Jesus-
Miki buzzsaws you
Riddick on bench don’t look good
Better days ahead

9. Natty
Brees big Raiders win
Team looks solid despite loss
Beat Mikis teams ass

10. Lunch-
Lucky not in last
Though points tell different tale
That’s the Roughnecks spot

11. Kali-
Two words scoreboard k
On paper team looks scary
Don’t lose to the Necks

12. El Paso-
Here we are again
Why was Larry on your bench
Let’s hope Dez don’t bust

2016 Pre-Season Power Rankings

2016 Pre-Season Rankings courtesy of Z’Smashmouths!

1. Big Lunch- Perennial contender and playoff staple, Lunch brings back a good part of the band with the leagues top receiver and a potential best value keeper in Freeman. Paired with Thomas and Lacy, weekly Sunday brunch stats will be warm up appetizers for Almuerzo Grande. Nom!

2. Blues- It’s hard not to put the high life boys in the top spot after last year’s coup, taking home both prizes for only the 2nd time in league history. They also return a core group from the season before, keeping Julio and securing PPR darling Woodhead as a solid RB2 behind Dougie fresh. Conjoined by solid QB play and a weekly top 5 defense, the Bro’s only downside is the role of their bench players.

3. Natty- Realistically, the top 3 teams are a virtual tie for #1. The only thing not putting Congo at #1 is their lack of a championship, as the only remaining original team in the league to not do so yet. That said, it’s quite possible the Congo Kamikaze’s can go undefeated this year with the team they have on paper. A top 3 QB, probably the league’s best receiving core next to NRM or Z’Smash, and and dangerous ground game led by AP and another PPR monster in Duke Johnson, General McCarthy has crafted his most formidable army yet. Could THIS finally be their year?

4. NRM- Modestly, the metal men could quietly have had the best draft. Potentially the leagues best QB, top keeper value via Gurley in the 5th, and maybe the leagues best WR trio(?).. Mad dogs countrywide were delighted to walk away with the best bench with by far more impact starters and TE options. Mark em down for a top 5 finish.

5. Mokes- Staying the course, when you think of Mikis team & Aaron Rodgers as keeper selection in round 1, it reminds you to say “who cares?” to the notion of waiting on signal callers. Or not. But as a whole, Mokes hold a sneaky running game that could be top point scorers week in week out, and depth at WR half of the league will envy. With an easy early schedule it’s hard seeing this team slipping out of playoff contention at any point of the season.

6. Z’Smash- The only thing keeping this team from a top 4 selection is questions at TE. With a top receiver core, and potentially the leagues best running game led by a gem of a keeper in the 5th in DJ and more depth than any team at the position (Derek Henry as an RB4?), the boys from Varmitville stayed true to their identity by owning the ground game. They’ll need the help with an unfavorable matchup scheduled wk1 against NRM. Allen Robinson may be the difference maker in the outcome of that game.

7. Kali- A new proud dad, and another who likes to keep the band together, the former Shaka’s returned Nuk and Superman the bring back what they envision as a title contender. At face value they may have the most dangerous PPR duo in Shady and Gio, but pundits alike see regression at the WR 3 position with little depth behind their starter and health concerns at TE with Gronk already not playing in the opener. Savy, the Herbalist will plug and play to be a weekly nuisance but we don’t see them returning to the dance come week 14.

8.Collarbones- Could this be their best team drafted ever? A havoc reaping WR crew led by their keeper and #mancrush bromance Dez, an RB combo running behind top 5 oline and a top 5 QB when healthy (asterisk).. El Paso has depth and favorable scheduling that can move them into playoff contention come the end of wk 13.

9. CangNiner- BroCangs squad can be deceivingly tough weekly competition. Their preseason rank more reflects their bottom half finish the last few years after winning the league 4 years ago. Not great keeper value by taking Murray again with the round 1 price tag, and questions at the RB position behind him, Joe held the fort by shoring up some decent PPR receivers in Cooks and Decker. Elephant in the living room is the bench, where behind Garçon, there’s not a player even Bruce Miller would punch in the face with excitement. This team could either finish 6th or 11th for all we know.

10. Squirrels- Pat, the league wants you to contend, we really do. But taking Rawls as a keeper was the original sin, for he may not suit up for the 1st few weeks. Your bench is impressive to back up a dangerous core of CJ Anderson and AJ Green, but large question marks at RB2  TE and flex leave much to be desired and proven by this team that can be big or be bust, with weekly consistency not likely to be consistent. Chipmunk to secret squirrel: your team needs Metamucil.

11. SBJ- Sith Lords must have hijacked the draft party’s host computer.. while everyone was constricting competitive teams, Cjax pointedly zigged in the wrong direction as most others zagged. If waiting until the 4th round to grab a WR might not be the best approach in a PPR league, it definitely won’t get you a playoff ranking.  Particularly when you take a clean slate. The statistics of rookies who bust is in the high 70 percentile, and while Zeke behind that offensive line is sexy, spending a 1 st round pick on him is hideous. The only upside this team shows is garbage time point racking by Russel Wilson 4th quarter antics, and Mark Ingram running the ball 20 something times a game after Brees goes off and the Saints are up huge. League pundits are taking the under on 5 total wins for the Baby’s.

12. Machines- Shannon may have been a little preoccupied by salivating over Zacs meat during the draft, she even said so. Keeping a player in Bell who will miss 3 games already put her at disadvantage, but following up by Maclin as the WR1 and “one more  concussion away from being out of football” in Jordan Reed as a round 5 pick she really did herself no favors. Coupled by a bench that highlights more depth at TE than the more important WR/RB spots, it’s tough to envision this team overcoming a devastating injury, let alone winning more than 4 games. Plus, Kirk Cousins Shannon. Really?

The Juarez Border Sports Book goes to space



Seattle Seahawks At Carolina Panthers  – 9,000,000 ISK — Payout 1.67 — Panthers

Seattle Seahawks At Carolina Panthers -3.5 (Tri-Bet -3.5) – 5,000,000 ISK — Payout 1.87 — Panthers

Green Bay Packers At Arizona Cardinals American Football –20,000,000 — Payout 1.23 — Cardinals

Green Bay Packers At Arizona Cardinals  (-7.5) & Over 50.5 points (Line / Total Points Double) — 3,000,000 ISK  — Payout 3.28  — Cardinals -7.5 and 50.5+

Kansas City Chiefs At New England Patriots — 2,050,192 ISK — Payout 2.67 — Chiefs

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 12.37.01 PM

Who’s the big winner? EKATERINA

I highly doubt any of you football nerds appreciate the finer points of serious-as-fuck internet spaceships, or betting with video game currencies, and I do apologize for wasting your time with gaming trivialities but I cannot help but share:

Our friend Nicholas refused to bet on AMERICA’S TEAM vs the Jets this evening unless I gave him 4 points which I did, and I promptly lost 50m isk ($0.77) as a result. He talked a lot, I said it sounded like he wanted to fight about it and he agreed.

Here is the result: he died like a man and we’re gonna fight again in 2 weeks. 

I’m curious: Would any of you care to bet on our next duel? The Shaniqua Oakland Fund will entertain bets in both serious-as fuck-internet-spaceships-currency and $ – Points given.

Deep Thoughts

Me > Texted my folks I wanted to buy a kayak.
Me > My mom said, “Oh shit, partner.  You’re gonna drown.”
Me > Told her, “No stress, momma.  I’m gonna wear arm floaties
like a little kid.”
Me > Said I needed a vest and goggles.
Me > The fuck man you know how awesome I would look.  Mom
comes through with a big tip.
EVE Bro > well yeah you need a vest
EVE Bro > what you need goggles for