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Me night in tha’ tank — a dwarven / dwarvish tale

Alright, so this is a rehash because my dumb ass wiped my original post from my hard drive in a drunken drive to keep my Windows 7 desktop cleaned and purged of fucking space invaders.  Only the obsessive compulsive would understand …

:: pre-note, my lawyer recommended I post none of this ::

Fewer things you’ll ever regret more than taking a day off work when your flight doesn’t leave for Vegas until after your shift: murder in the wrong degrees of separation, getting caught prostituting yourself by your dad, getting pinched with felony level amounts of drugs if it’s weed.

My alleged crime is DUI.  And I stand accused.

I rear-ended an Asian driver which immediately made me cast an eye of blame in their direction.  I was about to change lanes, and while checking my blind side, I lost track of how far away a truck / car / whatever was in front of me.

Digging deep probably won’t find me a fix-it ticket accusing them of not having proper tail-lights.  Eventually I’ll strike water or oil.  Or China.  OH THE IRONY OF MY HUBRIS.

CHP was in on the fix and I went in.  Blood tests were done by some technician who clearly did not want to be there and was even more dismayed when Officer GotNico let her know that another one was incoming.

This was probably one of the worst days to be in the drunk tank in Santana Clara County because the Seahawks had just *embarrassed* the Niners in the great state of California.

I told them all I wish I would have known because I would have worn a Cowboys jersey.  Oh hahah oh!  Laughs all around.  And then a guy serious asked me, “Would you have?” and squinted at me.

I saw a white boy get some huge Indian guy riled up by poking and poking and poking.  I want to believe that people aren’t so easily aggravated while drunk but maybe I forgot what it was like to be young and intoxicated.]

The good boys, and me,  were put in a pen on the cellar level and gave us an ample opportunity to nap on the cold wooden bench.  I had a non-MLK dream about throwing wet napkins against the wall for the rest of my life.

Homeless people … god help them.  I craved my carpeted-floor and newspapers.



2015 Week 6 Power Rankings

Teams bouncing around all over the place!

  1. Kali Kine – Up 1 – H1 – L6 – Best start in league history?  Respect the 6-0.  Fear the return of Big Ben.
  2. Big Lunch – Down 1 – H1 – L6- Looking more like a sirloin than a choice ribeye two out of the last three weeks.  Still the champ, still very much the team to beat.
  3.   NINERS R METAL – Up 4 – H3 – L12 – No ones gonna like it, but down deep they know it’s true.  Third in points, 2 straight wins.  League is on notice.
  4.  Jake & Elwood Blues – No Change – H3 – L9 – A loss, but a narrow loss.  Even at 3-3, this still looks like one of the most dangerous teams.   The QB situation is a little sketchy tho.
  5.   congo.natty – No Change –  H1 – L5 – A loss, and a tough task ahead with half their players on bye.  But the natty’s should have a playoff team here.
  6.  Z’Smashmouths – Down 3 – H2 – L8 – Hanging in there, but this team doesn’t quite feel the same without Charles.  But the predicted best running game in the league, needs to step it up in a major way.
  7.   Sweet Baby Jesus – Down 1 – H4 – L8 – Still no doubt in my mind this should be a playoff team, but between poor management, and bad luck, there isn’t a lot of room for error left. 
  8.   Miki’s Mokes – No Change – H2 – L8 – Back to 3-3 and deploying a lot of two TE sets.  With the 4 point start from congo.natty, it’s the Moke’s game to lose.
  9.    Cangniner – UP 1– H9 – L11- Best win of the year for Cangniner, knocking off Big Lunch, so how do they follow it up?  Starting Kap against the Seattle defense.  You’re the fan the Niners need, but don’t deserve.
  10.   Blind Squirrels – Up 1 – H4 – L11 – A much needed win, but still the bottom scorer.   Still, with Lynch healthy, and Jeffery back in the lineup, it’s not too late to make a run.  Another must win against the Roughnecks this week tho.
  11.  The Roughnecks- Up 1 – H9 – L12 – It’s hard to imagine recovering from 1-5, but when I think of an 11th ranked team that in a few weeks could be rolling out Rivers, Dez, Edleman, McCoy, Blount, and Marvin Jones… who knows?
  12.   RonanMachine – Down 3 – H7 – L12 – I think the team looks pretty good, but when you’ve scored the second fewest points the numbers speak for themselves.  Matt Ryan needs a healthy Julio back, and that’s a good 50% of this teams problems.    The other 50% is Randall Cobb’s injury.

The Juarez Border Sports Book


Kali Kine at Congo.Natty
A Pyrrhic victory for the C.Nat by 1 point, suffers several more injuries, Over / Under 248

The El Paso Rougnecks at Z’Smashmouths
Z by 15, Over / Under : 230

God beats Metal by 5 like a blacksmith, Over / Under 228.5

Big Lunch at Cangniner
The buffet eats for free all day by 17, Over / Under 245

Jake & Elwood Blues at Blind Squirrels
Blues Brothers squeak one out by 4 points, Over / Under 232

Ronan Machine at Miki’s Mokes
Mokes win this mud wrestling match by 2, Over / Under 225

2015 Week 5 Power Rankings


You guys could use a little culture.

  1. Big Lunch – No Change – H1 – L6
    • A gift emerges. 
    • A Freeman will rise above. 
    • Brown cries for his Ben.
  2.   Kali Kine – No Change – H2 – L6 
    • Sometimes with great strength. 
    • Also at times a weak foe. 
    • Or many weak foe.
  3.   Z’Smashmouths – UP 3 – H2 – L8 
    • A knee has been torn. 
    • Many spectacular duds. 
    • Smash wins anyway.
  4.   Jake & Elwood Blues – Down 1 – H3 – L9 
    • True anomalies.  
    • The Blues may make the playoffs. 
    • The Cubs might win.
  5.   congo.natty – Down 1 –  H1 – L4

    • Warrior arrives.
    • The battlefield is empty. 
    • The battle is won.
  6.   Sweet Baby Jesus – Down 1 – H4 – L8 
    • I have no QB. 
    • He was lost on the bench. 
    • Martin just broke out.
  7.   NINERS R METAL – Up 1 – H6 – L12 
    • A bad deal was made. 
    • The Gurley is quite manly. 
    • Still just two and three.
  8.   Miki’s Mokes – Down 1 – H2 – L8 
    • Two men carry eight. 
    • A savior comes through the Gates. 
    • The burden is great.
  9.   RonanMachine – No Change – H7 – L12
    • An unlikely run.  
    • Former champ with no Willie.  
    • Bell will be the key.
  10.   Cangniner – No Change – H9 – L11
    • Their allegiance strong.  
    • Fierce loyalty not repaid. 
    • An old general.
  11.   Blind Squirrels – No Change – H4 – L11 
    • The damaged can heal.  
    • With mended parts, the same man?  
    • Mr.  Anderson.
  12.  The Roughnecks- Down 1 – H9 – L12 
    • Thrive in the below. 
    • Dwellers in forgotten slums. 
    • Settled and in peace.

2015 Week 4 Power Rankings

Each team in 5 words.

  1.   Big Lunch – Up 1 – H1 – L6 – Atlanta’s line looks pretty good.
  2.   Kali Kine – Up 2 – H2 – L6 – Four and zero.  That’s perfect.
  3.   Jake & Elwood Blues – No Change – H3 – L9 – Definitely J&E’s best start ever.
  4.   congo.natty – Down 3 –  H1 – L4 – Worried about the running game.
  5.   Sweet Baby Jesus – Up 1 – H4 – L8 – Big week coming.  Big Lunch.
  6.   Z’Smashmouths – UP 1 – H2 – L8 – Things are definitely looking up.
  7.   Miki’s Mokes – Down 2 – H2 – L7 –Gronk back,  just in time.
  8.   NINERS R METAL – Down 2 – H6 – L12 – Cam Chancellor can suck it.
  9.   RonanMachine – Up 3 – H7 – L12 – Looking better, just as predicted.
  10.   Cangniner – Down 1 – H9 – L11 – Fear not, Roughnecks are coming.
  11.   Blind Squirrels – Down 1 – H4 – L11 – Hey players, heal more quicker!
  12.  The Roughnecks- Down 1 – H9 – L12 – Started from the bottom #nowwehere


2015 Week 3 Power Rankings

Things have stabilized too quickly.   Bye weeks are coming, weak depth will be revealed.  It’s time for a shake up.

  1.   Congo.natty – No Change –  H1 – L3 – Can’t move Big Lunch up, so long as the natty’s keep winning.   Joe certainly helped keep the streak alive, but 144 points is still a nice week.
  2.   Big Lunch – No Change – H1 – L6 –  Devonta Freeman for 3 TD’s?  Are you kidding me?  Everything is clicking right now.
  3. Jake & Elwood Blues – Up 1 – H3 – L9 – If Julio and Allen keep playing like this, the Blues may come away with more championships this year than the Bears get wins.
  4.   Kali Kine – Down 1 – H2 – L6 –  Losing Big Ben is a little easier to swallow when you still score 156 points and storm to 3-0.
  5.  Miki’s Mokes – No Change – H2 – L5 – That’s why you keep Aaron Rodgers when it seems to make no sense at all.   To deliver 47 points and a Monday night win that seemed improbable at best.
  6. Sweet Baby Jesus – Up 1 – H4 – L8 – Hard luck losers in week 3, this still seems like a team destined to finish in the top 6.  Build an ark, weather the storm.
  7. Z’Smashmouths – UP 1 – H2 – L8 – Thrilling victory Monday night!  Fortunate to be 2-1 at this stage, Smash nation knows they’re going to need to show more to make the playoffs.
  8.  NINERS R METAL – Down 2 – H6 – L12 – It was a week of brutal matchups.  Let’s see what week 4 and the arrival of Tyrod the Terrific brings.
  9.   Cangniner – No Change – H9 – L11 – One of the better teams in the league, with one of the poorest coaching staffs.  C’mon man!  You can love the Niners and still be good at fantasy football.   It’s allowed.
  10.   Blind Squirrels – No Change – H4 – L10 – This team might have been pretty good if it could get itself on the field to play a full game healthy. 
  11.  The Roughnecks- No Change – H9 – L11 – No Edleman… this might be the Roughnecks final week in the 11 spot.  Honestly, it feels a little like charity.
  12.   RonanMachine – No Change – H7 – L12 – I Still think this they’re better than 0-3.   Cobb, Bell, and Ryan are going to win the Machine’s some games.  Keep your core group together, keep trotting them out there, and good things will happen.

цонго.натты war journal X.I

“If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.” –  Pyrrhus of Epirus 279 BC

Due to Global Warming induced flooding in the Congo River Delta, preparations for X campaign were sadly minimal. However, a scratch A-Team was drafted and has By the Mustache of Stalin has surprisingly rolled through two operations against the Western opposition to head into week three of the campaign at 2-0. Alarmingly, casualties have been excessive – the last operation against the evil bearded white baby of the cross involved the loss of our Brees, Lacy, Hyde, Cameron and Sefarian-Jenkins which has left leadership shocked and dejected.

ps. I’m scared