Me > Texted my folks I wanted to buy a kayak.
Me > My mom said, “Oh shit, partner. You’re gonna drown.”
Me > Told her, “No stress, momma. I’m gonna wear arm floaties
like a little kid.”
Me > Said I needed a vest and goggles.
Me > The fuck man you know how awesome I would look. Mom
comes through with a big tip.
EVE Bro > well yeah you need a vest
EVE Bro > what you need goggles for
Alright, so this is a rehash because my dumb ass wiped my original post from my hard drive in a drunken drive to keep my Windows 7 desktop cleaned and purged of fucking space invaders. Only the obsessive compulsive would understand …
:: pre-note, my lawyer recommended I post none of this ::
Fewer things you’ll ever regret more than taking a day off work when your flight doesn’t leave for Vegas until after your shift: murder in the wrong degrees of separation, getting caught prostituting yourself by your dad, getting pinched with felony level amounts of drugs if it’s weed.
My alleged crime is DUI. And I stand accused.
I rear-ended an Asian driver which immediately made me cast an eye of blame in their direction. I was about to change lanes, and while checking my blind side, I lost track of how far away a truck / car / whatever was in front of me.
Digging deep probably won’t find me a fix-it ticket accusing them of not having proper tail-lights. Eventually I’ll strike water or oil. Or China. OH THE IRONY OF MY HUBRIS.
CHP was in on the fix and I went in. Blood tests were done by some technician who clearly did not want to be there and was even more dismayed when Officer GotNico let her know that another one was incoming.
This was probably one of the worst days to be in the drunk tank in Santana Clara County because the Seahawks had just *embarrassed* the Niners in the great state of California.
I told them all I wish I would have known because I would have worn a Cowboys jersey. Oh hahah oh! Laughs all around. And then a guy serious asked me, “Would you have?” and squinted at me.
I saw a white boy get some huge Indian guy riled up by poking and poking and poking. I want to believe that people aren’t so easily aggravated while drunk but maybe I forgot what it was like to be young and intoxicated.]
The good boys, and me, were put in a pen on the cellar level and gave us an ample opportunity to nap on the cold wooden bench. I had a non-MLK dream about throwing wet napkins against the wall for the rest of my life.
Homeless people … god help them. I craved my carpeted-floor and newspapers.
Teams bouncing around all over the place!
- Kali Kine – Up 1 – H1 – L6 – Best start in league history? Respect the 6-0. Fear the return of Big Ben.
- Big Lunch – Down 1 – H1 – L6- Looking more like a sirloin than a choice ribeye two out of the last three weeks. Still the champ, still very much the team to beat.
- NINERS R METAL – Up 4 – H3 – L12 – No ones gonna like it, but down deep they know it’s true. Third in points, 2 straight wins. League is on notice.
- Jake & Elwood Blues – No Change – H3 – L9 – A loss, but a narrow loss. Even at 3-3, this still looks like one of the most dangerous teams. The QB situation is a little sketchy tho.
- congo.natty – No Change – H1 – L5 – A loss, and a tough task ahead with half their players on bye. But the natty’s should have a playoff team here.
- Z’Smashmouths – Down 3 – H2 – L8 – Hanging in there, but this team doesn’t quite feel the same without Charles. But the predicted best running game in the league, needs to step it up in a major way.
- Sweet Baby Jesus – Down 1 – H4 – L8 – Still no doubt in my mind this should be a playoff team, but between poor management, and bad luck, there isn’t a lot of room for error left.
- Miki’s Mokes – No Change – H2 – L8 – Back to 3-3 and deploying a lot of two TE sets. With the 4 point start from congo.natty, it’s the Moke’s game to lose.
- Cangniner – UP 1– H9 – L11- Best win of the year for Cangniner, knocking off Big Lunch, so how do they follow it up? Starting Kap against the Seattle defense. You’re the fan the Niners need, but don’t deserve.
- Blind Squirrels – Up 1 – H4 – L11 – A much needed win, but still the bottom scorer. Still, with Lynch healthy, and Jeffery back in the lineup, it’s not too late to make a run. Another must win against the Roughnecks this week tho.
- The Roughnecks- Up 1 – H9 – L12 – It’s hard to imagine recovering from 1-5, but when I think of an 11th ranked team that in a few weeks could be rolling out Rivers, Dez, Edleman, McCoy, Blount, and Marvin Jones… who knows?
- RonanMachine – Down 3 – H7 – L12 – I think the team looks pretty good, but when you’ve scored the second fewest points the numbers speak for themselves. Matt Ryan needs a healthy Julio back, and that’s a good 50% of this teams problems. The other 50% is Randall Cobb’s injury.
GAME OF THE WEEK
Kali Kine at Congo.Natty
A Pyrrhic victory for the C.Nat by 1 point, suffers several more injuries, Over / Under 248
The El Paso Rougnecks at Z’Smashmouths
Z by 15, Over / Under : 230
NRM at SBJ
God beats Metal by 5 like a blacksmith, Over / Under 228.5
Big Lunch at Cangniner
The buffet eats for free all day by 17, Over / Under 245
Jake & Elwood Blues at Blind Squirrels
Blues Brothers squeak one out by 4 points, Over / Under 232
Ronan Machine at Miki’s Mokes
Mokes win this mud wrestling match by 2, Over / Under 225
You guys could use a little culture.
- Big Lunch – No Change – H1 – L6
- A gift emerges.
- A Freeman will rise above.
- Brown cries for his Ben.
- Kali Kine – No Change – H2 – L6
- Sometimes with great strength.
- Also at times a weak foe.
- Or many weak foe.
- Z’Smashmouths – UP 3 – H2 – L8
- A knee has been torn.
- Many spectacular duds.
- Smash wins anyway.
- Jake & Elwood Blues – Down 1 – H3 – L9
- True anomalies.
- The Blues may make the playoffs.
- The Cubs might win.
- congo.natty – Down 1 – H1 – L4
- Warrior arrives.
- The battlefield is empty.
- The battle is won.
- Warrior arrives.
- Sweet Baby Jesus – Down 1 – H4 – L8
- I have no QB.
- He was lost on the bench.
- Martin just broke out.
- NINERS R METAL – Up 1 – H6 – L12
- A bad deal was made.
- The Gurley is quite manly.
- Still just two and three.
- Miki’s Mokes – Down 1 – H2 – L8
- Two men carry eight.
- A savior comes through the Gates.
- The burden is great.
- RonanMachine – No Change – H7 – L12
- An unlikely run.
- Former champ with no Willie.
- Bell will be the key.
- Cangniner – No Change – H9 – L11
- Their allegiance strong.
- Fierce loyalty not repaid.
- An old general.
- Blind Squirrels – No Change – H4 – L11
- The damaged can heal.
- With mended parts, the same man?
- Mr. Anderson.
- The Roughnecks- Down 1 – H9 – L12
- Thrive in the below.
- Dwellers in forgotten slums.
- Settled and in peace.