Each team in 5 words.
- Big Lunch – Up 1 – H1 – L6 – Atlanta’s line looks pretty good.
- Kali Kine – Up 2 – H2 – L6 – Four and zero. That’s perfect.
- Jake & Elwood Blues – No Change – H3 – L9 – Definitely J&E’s best start ever.
- congo.natty – Down 3 – H1 – L4 – Worried about the running game.
- Sweet Baby Jesus – Up 1 – H4 – L8 – Big week coming. Big Lunch.
- Z’Smashmouths – UP 1 – H2 – L8 – Things are definitely looking up.
- Miki’s Mokes – Down 2 – H2 – L7 –Gronk back, just in time.
- NINERS R METAL – Down 2 – H6 – L12 – Cam Chancellor can suck it.
- RonanMachine – Up 3 – H7 – L12 – Looking better, just as predicted.
- Cangniner – Down 1 – H9 – L11 – Fear not, Roughnecks are coming.
- Blind Squirrels – Down 1 – H4 – L11 – Hey players, heal more quicker!
- The Roughnecks- Down 1 – H9 – L12 – Started from the bottom #nowwehere
Things have stabilized too quickly. Bye weeks are coming, weak depth will be revealed. It’s time for a shake up.
- Congo.natty – No Change – H1 – L3 – Can’t move Big Lunch up, so long as the natty’s keep winning. Joe certainly helped keep the streak alive, but 144 points is still a nice week.
- Big Lunch – No Change – H1 – L6 – Devonta Freeman for 3 TD’s? Are you kidding me? Everything is clicking right now.
- Jake & Elwood Blues – Up 1 – H3 – L9 – If Julio and Allen keep playing like this, the Blues may come away with more championships this year than the Bears get wins.
- Kali Kine – Down 1 – H2 – L6 – Losing Big Ben is a little easier to swallow when you still score 156 points and storm to 3-0.
- Miki’s Mokes – No Change – H2 – L5 – That’s why you keep Aaron Rodgers when it seems to make no sense at all. To deliver 47 points and a Monday night win that seemed improbable at best.
- Sweet Baby Jesus – Up 1 – H4 – L8 – Hard luck losers in week 3, this still seems like a team destined to finish in the top 6. Build an ark, weather the storm.
- Z’Smashmouths – UP 1 – H2 – L8 – Thrilling victory Monday night! Fortunate to be 2-1 at this stage, Smash nation knows they’re going to need to show more to make the playoffs.
- NINERS R METAL – Down 2 – H6 – L12 – It was a week of brutal matchups. Let’s see what week 4 and the arrival of Tyrod the Terrific brings.
- Cangniner – No Change – H9 – L11 – One of the better teams in the league, with one of the poorest coaching staffs. C’mon man! You can love the Niners and still be good at fantasy football. It’s allowed.
- Blind Squirrels – No Change – H4 – L10 – This team might have been pretty good if it could get itself on the field to play a full game healthy.
- The Roughnecks- No Change – H9 – L11 – No Edleman… this might be the Roughnecks final week in the 11 spot. Honestly, it feels a little like charity.
- RonanMachine – No Change – H7 – L12 – I Still think this they’re better than 0-3. Cobb, Bell, and Ryan are going to win the Machine’s some games. Keep your core group together, keep trotting them out there, and good things will happen.
Due to Global Warming induced flooding in the Congo River Delta, preparations for X campaign were sadly minimal. However, a scratch A-Team was drafted and has By the Mustache of Stalin has surprisingly rolled through two operations against the Western opposition to head into week three of the campaign at 2-0. Alarmingly, casualties have been excessive – the last operation against the evil bearded white baby of the cross involved the loss of our Brees, Lacy, Hyde, Cameron and Sefarian-Jenkins which has left leadership shocked and dejected.
ps. I’m scared
8 out of the 12 teams are 1-1, with just 2 teams undefeated. Are we all equally good now, or just equally bad?
- Congo.natty – No Change – H1 – L3 – With Abdullah coming back down to earth, the injuries to Brees and Lacy are a concern, but Cooper, Johnson and Gio have emerged. Roller coaster week for the Natty’s, but they stay on top.
- Big Lunch – Up 4 – H1 – L6 – The reigning champ and points leader after 2 weeks. Things seem deliciously on track for Big Lunch. The Coleman injury should help plug the RB woes for now.
- Kali Kine – Up 4 – H2 – L6 – Our draft host remains undefeated, but with too many players only sporadically involved in their offense, it’s tough to go any higher than 3.
- Jake & Elwood Blues – Down 1 – H3 – L9 – Another solid performance despite the loss. 16 targets for Crabtree? That’s going to make for some tricky lineup decisions.
- Miki’s Mokes – Down 3 – H2 – L5 – A brutal week, and a Monday night loss to rival Z’Smashmouths. Maybe they could have dropped further? The Evans no show, and the Baltimore debacle were the difference, but the usage of Charles Johnson in Minnesota is definitely concerning.
- NINERS R METAL – UP 6 – H6 – L12 – Always humble, NRM requested we just let the numbers speak for themselves. I don’t give a rats ass about their requests tho. This was the best we’ve seen them in a long time. A competitive NRM is good for ratings.
- Sweet Baby Jesus – Down 3 – H4 – L8 – It’s hard to imagine this bad Luck will continue. The Colts will be fine, and Jesus will ascend. The team still looks solid on paper.
- Z’Smashmouths – No Change – H2 – L8 – A nice game for Marshall sealed win #1, but the future here is murky. Some light performers in the starting lineup, and not a lot of playable options on the bench. Hill should get his regular workload in week 3, but he better not fumble again…
- Cangniner – Up 3 – H9 – L11 – Nice bounce back week for Cangniner, nice second half for Peyton Manning. Also, I very much wish we lived in a world where Jarryd Hayne was a startable RB2. I do love your optimism Joe.
- Blind Squirrels – Down 2 – H4 – L10 – Bradford, Randle, Anderson and Jeffery are not players trending in the right direction. Still time to bounce back, but it needs to start soon. Will we see the debut of Carson Palmer?
- The Roughnecks- Down 2 – H9 – L11 – Let’s stay positive here. Julian Edleman has been the steal of the draft.
- RonanMachine – Down 2 – H7 – L12 – There’s enough weapons here for the Machines to be rationally optimistic. The running game is actually pretty formidable now that Bell is back to anchor. This shouldn’t be a long visit to the cellar.
Congo.natty’s got the power? Or am I just jinxing him?
- Congo.natty – Up 2 – H1 – L3 – 160 points and they didn’t even start the right TE. Probably a fluke…
- Miki’s Mokes – Up 3 – H2 – L5 – And they did it with Mike Evans injured and Bishop Sankey’s 22 on the bench.
- Jake & Elwood Blues – Up 7 – H1 – L3 – It’s possible the draft grade was arbitrarily low due to Russell Wilson, but then again I didn’t force you to take him in the draft. Top Points for the week!
- Sweet Baby Jesus – Up 4 – H4 – L8 – I guess it’s a pretty impressive showing considering Sammy Watkins bageled.
- Kali Kine – UP 1 – H5 – L6 – If I could swap rosters with anyone right now, this would be the team.
- Big Lunch – Down 5 – H1 – L6 – Still one of the obviously better teams, but you’re no Ric Flair.
- Z’Smashmouths – Down 5 – H2 – L7 – Close loss due to Eli, but a bunch of players look solid.
- Blind Squirrels – Down 4 – H4 – L8 – Terrance Williams stock goes up, but CJ Anderson’s crashes. At least the Cowboy’s running game is sorted out.
- The Roughnecks- Up 2 – H9 – L11 – Maybe should be lower with the loss of Dez, but the week 1 results were better than expected.
- RonanMachine – Down 3 – H7 – L10 – A lot to be concerned about, but Lewis was a nice add, and their best player hasn’t hit the field yet, so still some potential.
- Cangniner – Down 1 – H10 – L11 – A poor week 1 coupled with injuries to Jackson and Bush, but still a lot of weapons here. A lot hinges on Denver’s performance Thursday night.
- NINERS R METAL – WTF
NINERS R METAL held a surprise press conference at midnight to announce the teams new General Manager, saying only this as introduction.
“When you wanna take the strap, and keep the strap a real long time, you go to the greatest champion of all time. WOOOOO”
Most of the drafts are pretty equivalent. We’re either all bad, or maybe all kinda decent? Also it should be noted, this probably isn’t the order most likely to succeed, which would of course have NRM at the top.
1. Big Lunch – The Champ is here
Overall -A- – A draft so obviously good, even Yahoo almost graded it right.
- WR’s – A – 3 top 12 WR’s + Maclin? With 4 that solid, who needs additional depth.
- RB’s – B – Gore should hold up for awhile, and there’s tons of upside guys on the bench.
- TE – B- – Like Rudolph, but need a lil more upside than Miller as a backup.
- QB – B – Brady should be top 10 this year.
- Bench – B+ – Well drafted, but I don’t love the names.
2. Z’Smashmouths – Mark Aaron Kadubec says that extra “a” in Jaamal is just plain unnecessary!
Overall – B+ – The draft of someone who mocks a lot. Tons of great value, not enough people you really wanted.
- WR’s – B- – No one to really get excited about, but wasn’t drafted to be the strength of the team.
- RB’s – A – It doesn’t get better than Charles, Hill and Miller.
- TE – C+ – Daniels and Davis have interesting upside, but possibly a pretty low floor.
- QB – B – I don’t know if you needed both Eli and Rivers, but one of them should be fine.
- Bench – A- – When it’s hard to tell the bench guys from the starters you either did a really good job, or screwed up royally. I think in this case it’s the former.
3 . congo.natty – One of just two original teams to have never won a championship!
Overall – B+ – I didn’t like this team as he drafted it, but on second look it’s pretty good. B+ like Tony Romo.
- WR’s – B- – I like the names, but feel like it’s the wrong year.
- RB’s – B -Good depth, but between Ameer, Hyde, and Bernard, it’s hard to be sure there’s a playable RB2 there.
- TE – A- – Cameron and Jenkins are a good combo.
- QB – B+ – Brees is good, but Kaepernick?
- Bench – B+ – Good balance and some guys you could throw in in a pinch.
4. Blind Squirrels – What does this team name even mean? I think an explanation is necessary.
Overall – B – More B’s than a picnic. Points champ gets a top 6 spot on street cred.
- WR’s – B – If Jeffery has to miss week 1 I can live with that…
- RB’s – B+ – CJ Anderson as an RB2 makes this automatically above average.
- TE – B+ – Am I the only one that liked Olson better when Kelvin Benjamin was healthy?
- QB – B+ – Bradford’s a play to win pick. Of course you also have the two quarterbacks least likely to finish a full season.
- Bench – B – Solid.
5. Miki’s Mokes – You’d have looked better with that championship belt.
Overall – B – I blame the daughters.
- WR’s – B- – Like the starters, but no startable depth to cover the potential Evans injury = trouble
- RB’s – B – Quite a few playable options week 1. No stars, guys who should get a bunch of carries. It’s aight.
- TE – A – Cause you drafted Gronk.
- QB – A- – I guess if we imagine a world where you took Gronk first and Rodgers in the third.. it’s a little more ok.
- Bench – C+ – Did good on the RB depth, but that’s about it.
6. Kali Kine – Is there life after Brees?
Overall – B – It looked better when I first saw it.
- WR’s – B- – It’ll be a better grade when Martavis Bryant comes back in week 5.
- RB’s – B- – AP bumped your grade up as far as he could, but we don’t even know if your RB2 is going to get the most carries.
- TE – A- – Jimmy Graham! Sigh.. Seahawks.. jerks.
- QB – B+ – The Cam Newton pick is defensible since you got him in the 11th.
- Bench – B+ – I like it. Not enough startable players to be an A, but some savvy nice stashes.
7. Ronan Machines – You’ve still got a couple years before it’s been a decade since your last title. No need to rush.
Overall – B- – I’m just not sure where the big points are going to come from.
- WR’s – C- – Cobb is nice, and Agholor has some upside, but this group is likely going to be a problem.
- RB’s – B- – Instantly a B+ when Bell comes back, and Spiller successfully plays two games in a row. Until then, a half grade lower.
- TE – B – Kinda like Delanie where you got him.
- QB – A- – Matt Ryan’s a B+ and a bonus grade for not wasting a pick with a backup like NRM did.
- Bench – B – Not too shabby. A bit like Zach’s bench, but maybe I’m little less certain on the outcome…
8. Sweet Baby Jesus – Well, at least Dodger fans are used to saying “Is this finally our year?”
Overall – B- – AJ Green, Sammy Watkins and Matt Forte are the RB/WR oundation of this team. I’m not sure how that makes me feel.
- WR’s – B- – My own opinions about a Watkins breakout year aside.. it’s kinda an underwhelming group.
- RB’s – B- – You moved this up a full grade by being smart enough to grab Ingram when he fell. It’s not a good group of RB’s though.
- TE – A- – Bennett’s probably going to be awesome this year.
- QB – A – You have the best one, and you got him in the third. No brainer.
- Bench – C- – A couple of guys might be good, but it’s just as likely none of them but Bridgewater are on your roster in 3 weeks.
9. Jake &Elwood Blues – The other original team without a championship.
Overall – B- – Just focus on keeping your team healthy this year. Hire a trainer or something.
- WR’s – A- – Very strong starting 3, and nice additional options.
- RB’s – D+ – Decent PPR backs, but pretty low ceiling.
- TE – B+ – I like the Kelce pick a lot, and it didn’t come too early.
- QB – F—— – Because you drafted fucking Russell Wilson. Ok, maybe he’s really a B+. NO HE’S NOT HE’S an F! – F! F! F! F! GET OUT OF MY CLASS! – F MINUS!
- Bench – B- – Not to shabby. Maybe could have used another high upside RB option.
10. Cangniner – The guy you knew would draft Reggie Bush
Overall – B- – A lot of talent, and should be dangerous early in the season, but looking pretty thin on depth.
- WR’s – B+ – Really only Smith Sr and Johnson’s age keep this out of the A range.
- RB’s – C- – Demarco’s cool, and it could work out if Foster comes back early.. but who else?
- TE – A- – Eifert and Julius Thomas is about as good as you can do at the position without going in early.
- QB – B- – Love me some Peyton. Cutler is a passable backup and a known quantity.
- Bench – C- – Welker’s not on a team and David Cobb’s on IR. Only 2 startable RB’s on the roster.
11. El Paso Roughnecks – This leagues so old, even Nico’s won it once.
Overall -B- – No Cowboy goes undrafted!
- WR’s – B – No one who drafts Michael Floyd will get above a B from me.
- RB’s – C – I like the focus on RB’s this year, but not if I’m gonna come away with Morris and Blount.
- TE – B – I’m ok with Witten. You probably took him too early.
- QB – B+ – Romo’s a B+, that’s who he is.
- Bench – C – Why are Cole Beasles and Zac Stacy on this team?
12. NINERS R METAL – Because they deserve as many caps in their name as they want.
Overall – C – I blame the daughters.
- WR’s – C – Yeah, about that… you forgot to draft some that are actually playing.
- RB’s – A- – They sparkle.
- TE – D- – Jordan Reed? I hope you know what you’re doing…
- QB – C+ – Both fine young quarterbacks with upside, but why do you have two of them instead of a playable WR? WTF were you thinking.
- Bench – B- – Tons of that “upside” stuff you like. Not much else.
Our 10th Season.